Skit: Quest for...?
(or, Quest for Glory V: Dragon Fire as we never get to see it)
(Scene fades in. The hero beams down to Silmaria, a la Star Trek, all ready to face... DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUUM! The ultimate quest. (Insert dramatic chords). Unbeknowst to him, however, both Erasmus and Fenrus beam down with him and follow him, having cast the 'Follow Unobserved' spell on themselves.
Anyway, the hero talks to Rakeesh, as per usual, when suddenly Rakeesh booms...)
Rakeesh: Go and speak to Logos at the Hall of Kings. I will see you soon, my friend.
(Our hero does as he is told, and marches like a good boy over to the Hall of Kings. Trumpets blare. Flags wave. The noon sunlight sparkles off the dome. Two guards in shining armour and helmets stand at attention at the gate, leaning on sharp spears. The hero stares proudly as Erasmus and Fenrus re-materialise beside him).
Hero: (proudly) Hall of Kings!
Guard 1: (proudly) Hall of Kings!
Guard 2: (proudly) Hall of Kings!
Erasmus: (proudly) Hall of Kings!
(Rakeesh suddenly remembers that he's supposed to be IN the Hall of Kings when the hero comes in, so he saunters over from his rock.)
Rakeesh: (proudly) Hall of Kings!
Fenrus: (sotto voce) It's only an animated two-dimensional pixellated drawing...
(Rakeesh saunters over to another handy rock. What happened to his poisoned leg, anyway?)
Rakeesh: Heroes of Spielburg and Silmaria! Welcome-- (slight pause for dramatic effect) to the Hall of Kings!
(scene change to inside the Hall of Kings, where servants and guards scurry about to make sure a feast is ready for the heroes' arrival. Benches and chairs have been dragged out, and royally roasted wrens, sauteed stuffed swans, and other delicacies are laid out reverentially. There's even a pig with an apple in its mouth, although the effect is slightly spoiled when the pig happily munches down on the apple.
Suddenly, cheery music starts and the guards step forward to sing...)
"We're Guards at Silmaria's Palace"
(based on "We're Knights of The Round Table", sung in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail")
We're guards at Silmaria's palace -
(Our land's a bit like Hellas)!
A boring job--
we see some nob
and then do what he'll tell us!
We dine well at the Hall of Kings
We get nobles with a lot of rings!
(musical interlude. Guards bang their spears on the ground and dance around them like maypoles. A servant slips in a puddle of water and falls on the pig, who squeals in protest. Some guards grab their spears, turn them sideways, grip them, and form a kick-line).
We're guards at Silmaria's palace -
We serve - no poi - soned chalice!
We take short hikes,
and Logos likes
to watch re-runs of "Dallas"!
We're music-mad at Hall of Kings
Every member of our watch can siiiiiing!
(another amusing interlude. Guards bang on their shields with their spears, in rhythm. A guard stabs his spear into the ground and then struggles to remove it. Someone steps on a stoat. Logos claps along. It is all very silly).
We do defend the Palace!
We buy what merchants sell us!
We clean our spears,
And shop at Sear's,
So I guess that now you're jea-las!
It's a busy life at Hall of Kings--
(Everyone pauses. A big guard with a big, big sword steps forward).
Big Guard: (with inflection) We'll sing a-bout just a-ny-thing.
(The guards each grab the hand of the guard next to him, hold up their helmets with the other hand, and dance out of the Hall back to the barracks, waving their helmets - the effect is very music-hall. The servants, meanwhile, dance a ring-around-the-rosie out through the side-doors. The only one left in the Hall is Logos.
Pause; scene change back to the gate of the Hall of Kings. Rakeesh, Erasmus, Fenrus and the hero look at each other in disbelief. Then Rakeesh breaks the silence).
Rakeesh: You know what? Let's not go to the Hall of Kings. It's a goofy place.
(The others mutter on the strain of "Yeah, yeah, right" etc. Erasmus and Fenrus teleport back to their castle in the sky; Rakeesh and the hero go down to Marrak's stall, share a pizza, and catch up on old times instead).