A short song: "Cruel Ad Avis"

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Rath Darkblade
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A short song: "Cruel Ad Avis"

Post by Rath Darkblade » Sat Feb 16, 2019 12:33 am

"Cruel Ad Avis"
(parody of "Brave Sir Robin" / Music by Neil Innes, words by Eric Idle, sung by Neil Innes; From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail")

Here's what would happen if Ad Avis was confronted by that most terrible creature of all: the three-headed hero. :twisted:

AD AVIS is humming along. His plot to imprison the hero in the cave worked perfectly, and he is now preparing to release Iblis. In the room with him is by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in "Arabian Nights" costume; one sings and plays the tambourine, and one plays the lyre.

AD AVIS looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song, but the lyrics soon start to have their effect...

SINGER: Dreadful cruel Ad Avis; the hero's left to rot,
He would never wear a tie, oh, cruel Ad Avis.
He was always dreadful, shocking and vile in many ways,
Dire, dire, dire, dire Ad Avis.

He was never too scared to say "I will raise Iblis again!"
Or "I'm ghastly - mwa-ha-ha!", oh, bad Ad Avis;
His turban always rolled, and his beard so neatly trimmed
And his moustache black and pointy, dire Ad Avis.

His mana high and his scruples gone
And his conscience removed and left all alone
And his servants mocked and his evil laugh great
And his black robe...

AD AVIS: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Soon, I, Ad Avis, will raise Iblis and be granted immortality forever lasting in perpetuity throughout the universe! And that little so-called "hero" - a prat in actual fact - can't do anything about it!

(shouts at singer)

SHUT UP!

MUSICIANS back off, offended. Eerie music sets in. Ad Avis prepares to release Iblis, lights one candle after another. The metaphorical "Certain Death" signs light up.

Crashing chords. A GIANT THREE-HEADED HERO appears, having the head of a FIGHTER, a WIZARD and a THIEF.

THREE-HEADED HERO: Halt! Who are you?

SINGER (full voice): He is cruel Ad Avis, cruel Ad Avis, who...

AD AVIS: (to SINGER) Shut up. Ad Avis can introduce himself! (to HERO, proudly) I am Ad Avis, wittiest of wizards, superior sorcerer, dastardly destroyer, and conjurer complete!

THREE-HEADED HERO: What do you want?

SINGER (full voice): To CAST! And...

AD AVIS: (to SINGER) Shut up. Ad Avis can state his own intentions! (to HERO) I intend to release Iblis from his 700-year prison, whereupon he will undoubtedly gaze upon my benighted visage with cruel-hearted benevolence and grant me life immortal! MWA-HA-HA-HA!

THREE-HEADED HERO: I'm afraid I cannot allow you to do that.

AD AVIS: Aha! Who says it's up to you? I will release him whether or not you think it's a good thing, for I am an all-powerful evil wizard!

THREE-HEADS: YOU are an all-powerful evil wizard?

AD AVIS: Yeah!

From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually.

FIRST HEAD (FIGHTER): I've heard about you - you're mean to heroes! I'm afraid I shall have to kill you.

SECOND HEAD (WIZARD): Shall I cast a flame dart at him?

THIRD HEAD (THIEF): Oh, I don't think so - let's throw a dagger at him.

SECOND HEAD (WIZARD): Why do you say that?

FIRST HEAD (FIGHTER): Forget the dagger, I'll stab him with my sword!

THIRD HEAD (THIEF): Oh! Let's just throw the dagger at him.

FIRST HEAD (FIGHTER): Oh shut up.

AD AVIS: I am Ad...

SECOND HEAD (WIZARD): And you!

FIRST HEAD (FIGHTER): Quick, let's get the sword out. I want to cut his arms off.

THIRD HEAD (THIEF): Oh, cut your own arms off.

SECOND HEAD (WIZARD): Yes - do us all a favour.

FIRST HEAD (FIGHTER): What?!

THIRD HEAD (THIEF): Bragging on all the time.

SECOND HEAD (WIZARD) (to THIRD HEAD (THIEF)): You're lucky, you're not next to him.

FIRST HEAD (FIGHTER): What do you mean?

SECOND HEAD (WIZARD): You're covered in blood.

FIRST HEAD (FIGHTER): Ooh, I'm not! Anyway you've got a bad smell.

SECOND HEAD (WIZARD): Well it's only because you never got rid of those leaky mana potions...

THIRD HEAD (THIEF): Oh! Stop bickering and let's go and have some milk!

FIRST HEAD (FIGHTER): All Right! All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have milk and cookies.

SECOND HEAD (WIZARD): Yes.

[Pause]

THIRD HEAD (THIEF): Oh! not cookies...

FIRST HEAD (FIGHTER): All right! All right! Not cookies - but let's kill him anyway!

ALL HEADS: Right!

WIDE SHOT, the THREE-HEADED HERO is alone. AD AVIS, having released IBLIS, has been knocked off the tower, along with his SINGERS.

SECOND HEAD (WIZARD): We're up the creek!

THIRD HEAD (THIEF): So we are! We're buggered.

Quick sequence of AD AVIS and his MUSICIANS and SINGER falling. The music is jolly and bright, as if triumphant. AD AVIS is not at all happy with the lyrics.

SINGER: Cruel Ad Avis lost his way.

AD AVIS: No!

SINGER: Plainly lost his way today.

AD AVIS: I didn't!

SINGER: Iblis appeared, he was tight-lipped,
And so cruel Ad Avis just slipped

AD AVIS: No!

SINGER: Yes, Ad Avis, without a doubt

AD AVIS: I didn't!

SINGER: Depraved and cruel - he chickened out
Naughtily he slipped and fell

AD AVIS: I never did!

SINGER: He could not even cast a spell

AD AVIS: All lies!

SINGER: Cruellest of them all, Ad Avis!

AD AVIS: I never!

They disappear from view... and re-appear when SINGING is heard in the forests of Mordavia. The undead Ad Avis is on his way to Katrina's castle.

BORIS: My Lady, it's Ad Avis!

AD AVIS appears with his musical companions, looking perpetually embarrassed at their presence.

SINGER: ...he's sneaking away, admitting his loss
Pretending that he does not give a toss
Ignobly resigns, surrenders with shame
Because he thinks that it's some kind of game...!

KATRINA: Ah, Ad Avis! Welcome!

AD AVIS: Milady! 'Tis good to see you again!

KATRINA: Surely you've raised Iblis, have you not? Or have you stuffed up again?

SINGERS: He is running away and messing it up...

AD AVIS: Shut up! (he blasts the singers with a fireball)

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