Just for fun: "Weapon Shop"

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Rath Darkblade
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Just for fun: "Weapon Shop"

Post by Rath Darkblade » Fri Nov 29, 2019 11:09 pm

Obligatory disclaimer: the "Book Shop" skit is copyright to Monty Python, all rights reserved, etc. etc. blah blah legal stuff blah.

And now...

Weapon Shop
(parody of "The Bookshop Sketch" by Monty Python; written 17 July, 2007)

(It is early in the year 44 A.D. The scene is a blacksmith's shop on a street in ancient Rome. It is hot; the forge glows white-hot as new weapons are being made. Apprentices stoke the fire, attach weapons to the wall for display, enter and exit with more coal, water etc.; the master blacksmiths swing hammers at both iron and steel; another master blacksmith waits for customers at the counter. Everyone is very busy, very loud and very hot. A customer enters the shop).

Emperor Nero: Oi! I want some service, peasant!
Blacksmith: Yeah, welcome to my shop... (realises) ...er, my emperor! Welcome. What do you want?

Emperor Nero: (a little taken aback) Er, yes. Do you perchance have an arquebus?
Blacksmith: Ah, well, I don't think I know that one...

Emperor Nero: Er, never mind, never mind. How about a belaying pin?
Blacksmith: ...A what?

Emperor Nero: A belaying pin! (sighs) It's a metal rod, inserted in holes that you bore through a ship's rail, and to which you secure the ship's ropes. It's, uh, it's not really intended as a weapon, but you can pull it out and use it as one.
Blacksmith: Ah, no, well I haven't got that one in stock...

Emperor Nero: Oh, well, not to worry. Can you help me with a bo?
Blacksmith: Ah, yes. A short bow or a composite bow?

Emperor Nero: No....
Blacksmith: (pause) I beg your pardon?

Emperor Nero: No, what I'm looking for a long stick, used to bash people with.
Blacksmith: I... *think* you'll find that's a club...

Emperor Nero: No, no, a club is shorter. This is a *long* stick, one that can be held behind one's back and swung with force.
Blacksmith: A bow that you can hold behind your back?

Emperor Nero: Yes, I should have said.
Blacksmith: Yes, well in that case I don't have it.

Emperor Nero: (peering over counter) Funny, you've got a lot of weapons here....
Blacksmith: (slightly perturbed) Yes, I do, but we don't have a bow that you can hold behind your back.

Emperor Nero: Pity, it's more efficient than the other bows.
Blacksmith: More EFFICIENT?!?

Emperor Nero: Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your bows...
Blacksmith: No, my emperor; none of my bows can be held behind your back.

Emperor Nero: Are you quite sure?
Blacksmith: Quite.

Emperor Nero: Not worth just looking?
Blacksmith: Definitely not.

Emperor Nero: Oh...how 'bout a grate axe?
Blacksmith: Yes, well I do have a great axe, and a great deal on one too...

Emperor Nero: That's, er, G-R-A-T-E axe, used to clean grates.
Blacksmith: (pause) Yes, well in that case I don't have it. I don't have axes used to clean grates, actually: they're not very popular.

Emperor Nero: You don't have a blowgun either? That's a long, hollow tube of wood or metal, used to fire darts, needles and pellets...
Blacksmith: (taciturn) No.

Emperor Nero: Any darts? Small, easily concealable missile weapon, usually thrown rather than fired from a bow?
Blacksmith: (really quite perturbed) No....

Emperor Nero: Er, how about a cat-o'-nine-tails?
Blacksmith: DEFINITELY NOT.

Emperor Nero: (moving to leave) Sorry to trouble you....
Blacksmith: Not at all...

Emperor Nero: Good morning.
Blacksmith: Goodbye.

Emperor Nero: (turning around) Oh!
Blacksmith: (deep breath) Yesss?

Emperor Nero: I wonder if you might have a club?
Blacksmith: No, we're right out of clubs!

Emperor Nero: Even wooden ones?
Blacksmith: (pause) Wooden??

Emperor Nero: Yes.
Blacksmith: (slight pause) No, well we don't have any wooden clubs, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don't have stones to use for a sling, or bone arrows as fired by the Assyrians, or even stone axes as used by any Neanderthals!!! If you want a club, why don't you try picking up a stout stick off the ground?

Emperor Nero: I did, but the guards stopped me and said you had a better one.
Blacksmith: (deadpan) Did they.

Emperor Nero: Oh, I wonder...
Blacksmith: Oh, do go on, please.

Emperor Nero: Yes...I wonder if you might have a Welsh longbow.
Blacksmith: (after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got a lot of weapons here... but it's about 10 centuries too early for a Welsh longbow - we're currently in 1st century AD and a longbow won't be invented (at least in its modern form) until about the 10th century AD... well, I musn't keep you standing here...thank you,--

Emperor Nero: Oh, well do, do you have--
Blacksmith: No, we haven't. We haven't.

Emperor Nero: B-b-b-but--
Blacksmith: Sorry, no, it's one o'clock now, we're closing for lunch--

Emperor Nero: Ah, I--I saw it--
Blacksmith: I'm sorry--

Emperor Nero: I saw it over there! I saw it...
Blacksmith: What? What? WHAT?!?

Emperor Nero: I saw it over there: a morning star.
Blacksmith: (pause; trying to stay calm) A morning star?

Emperor Nero: Yes...
Blacksmith: M-O-R-N-I-N-G?

Emperor Nero: Yes...
Blacksmith: S-T-A-R??

Emperor Nero: Yes...
Blacksmith: (beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact...

Emperor Nero: The stripped-down version...
Blacksmith: (pause; politely) I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that...?

Emperor Nero: The stripped-down version.
Blacksmith: (exploding) The STRIPPED-DOWN version of a morning star?!?!?!?!?

Emperor Nero: (desperately) The one without the spikes!
Blacksmith: The one without the spikes-!!! They've ALL got the spikes!! It's a standard feature of a morning star, the spikes, it's on all the morning stars!!!

Emperor Nero: (insistent) Well, I don't like them...they're pointy.
Blacksmith: (furious) All right! I'll remove them!! (he thrusts the morning star into the furnace and carefully removes the spikes; twenty minutes later) Any other features you don't like, any others?!

Emperor Nero: I don't like the oval metal head on which the spikes are - um, were studded...
Blacksmith: (screaming) The metal head! Right! The metal head! (he removes the metal head; twenty minutes later) There you are, any others you don't like, any others?

Emperor Nero: That chain that the metal head was on?
Blacksmith: Right! (removes the chain) There you are! NO spikes, NO metal head, NO chain, THERE'S your weapon!

Emperor Nero: (indignant) I can't buy that! That's just a stick!
Blacksmith: (incoherent noise)

Emperor Nero: Ah, I wonder if you have--
Blacksmith: God, ask me anything!! We got lots of weapons here, you know, it's a weapon shop!!

Emperor Nero: Er, how about a cutlass?
Blacksmith: No, no, we don't have that one, funny!

Emperor Nero: A jousting lance?
Blacksmith: No, no, no, try me again!

Emperor Nero: Ah...oh, I know! A Roman gladius.
Blacksmith: No, no, no, no, no,...What? WHAT??????

Emperor Nero: A Roman gladius.
Blacksmith: A Rom-- YES!!! YES!!! WE'VE GOT IT!! (throwing weapons wildly about) I-I've seen it somewhere!!! I know it!!! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! Ha ha hoo ho---WAIT!! WAIT!! Is it?? Is it??? (triumphant) YES!!!!!! Here we are, a Roman gladius!!!!! There's your weapon!! (throwing it down) Now, BUY IT!!!

Emperor Nero: (quickly) I don't have enough money.
Blacksmith: (desperate) I'll take a deposit!

Emperor Nero: I don't have ANY money!
Blacksmith: I'll take a raincheck!!

Emperor Nero: I don't have a clue what that is!
Blacksmith: I'll take a promissory note for a personal favour!!

Emperor Nero: I don't do promissory notes!!
Blacksmith: RIGHT!!!! I'll buy it FOR you! (ring) There we are, there's some change, there's some money for a snack from the fried-fish shop down the road, there's your weapon, now, now...

Emperor Nero: Wait, wait, wait!
Blacksmith: What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!!

Emperor Nero: I don't know how to fight!!!
Blacksmith: (staggeringly long pause; very quietly) You don't...know how to fight. (pause) RIGHT!!! Sit down!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit!! Are you sitting comfortably??? Right!!! (takes out a collection of woodcuts) "This slide shows an example of a riposte: as you can see, this is simply an attack made immediately after you parry the opponent's attack. On the next page, you will see a lunge, that is, an attack made by extending the rear leg and landing on the bent front leg..."

(fade out)

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